Taking Control of My Life Again

For many years, my basement office has been a scary place.

When I first moved here, it was a place of refuge. I would come downstairs early in the morning and have my quiet time before facing the hustle and bustle of school activities.

I'm not sure exactly when that changed. I know that it became more and more difficult to face as the clutter increased. Piles and piles of papers I didn't want to throw away because "someday I might need those things." The problem is that when you have so many piles of things all over the place, you really can't find that one piece of paper or book when you need it anyway.

Every now and then I would get ambitious and start to clear out a pile of stuff, and at least it made me feel better. But soon I would have 2-3 other piles to replace it, and it seemed impossible to ever get caught up. I have always hated filing, and for years, I would just put everything in one file folder and end up with a massive filing task right before tax time. Which is no doubt why I was often doing my tax return the week before April 15!

I have saved about 13 years of conference programs and handouts, most of which I have never used, because the materials are way too advanced for the kind of exploratory course that I teach. But there was always a chance that one day I might be called upon to teach a "real" language course, and perhaps that handout would come in handy. I just couldn't get myself to throw anything out.

Then I became friends with Ellen Shrager, who offered to become my "de-clutter" mentor. (She teaches first-year Spanish to seventh graders, so she, too, finds herself unable to use a lot of conference materials.) She told me to look at the materials as relics of unfulfilled dreams. We all have dreams of what we would like to do someday, and it's not possible to realize all of them. As we get older, we have to let go of some of them in order to concentrate on the things it IS still possible to do. . . and do so without allowing the feelings of regret to take over and control our lives.

Letting go of some things is extremely painful, but it's amazing how powerful it makes you feel afterwards. I have been gradually taking piles or corners or boxes of things in the basement office and making decisions about what to do with the stuff. Much of it goes in the trash, which is why I've been filling up a lot of trash cans lately. Some of the stuff—mostly books—I am selling on ebay. And some things I don't think will sell or don't want to bother selling I drop off at the Goodwill store.

I even sent some Spanish books to another Spanish teacher for the cost of shipping. THAT was painful, because I had spent hundreds of dollars on them in Spain and had planned to read all of them for my MA in Spanish literature, but I never finished them all and realize I will never do so now. It took me several days to get up the courage to do it. But it's amazing how wonderfully free it feels to have them gone at last. . . as though that part of my life is now concluded and I can look forward to the future.

For years, I avoided this job because it seemed so overwhelming and I dreaded having to make decisions about what to keep and throw away. Even after school ended earlier this month, I procrastinated. But I decided I really wanted to make this room once again a place of refuge where I can work quietly and peacefully and not be intimidated by the burden of the clutter.

So I started working for 15 minutes at a time, taking one task. Sometimes the task took longer than 15 minutes, but I kept going until it was finished. It started with going through one file drawer, which was relatively simple. The next file drawer involved shredding old tax records, which took considerably longer. At first my efforts didn't seem to be much compared to the enormity of the task, but gradually, I started feeling optimistic. Each difficult decision, each trip to the trash can, each completed task. . . finally began to make a difference in the general ambiance of the room.

There is still a long way to go. More difficult decisions. More trips to the trash can. And a whole lot of cleaning. . . the dust balls and cat debris (the cat passed away in April) are horrendous. But the fact that I can SEE the dirt is actually a positive thing. . . it was completely covered with junk a few weeks ago!

I have every confidence that someday soon—definitely before school starts in August—my basement office will be a place of refuge again. A place where I can work in peace without the constant awareness of chaos and filth.

And more importantly, I will feel in control of my life again.