It's been a long time coming. I could "be good" for a couple of days or so and then think I deserved a treat. And pretty soon I was indulging in treats even though I didn't deserve them. "Tomorrow" things would be different.
But I'm sitting here trying to explain how good it feels to NOT want a treat for a change. I had my breakfast over two hours ago and I'm feeling a bit hungry, but it's not enough to make me feel deprived. I think before I get on the treadmill I'll have a boiled egg or something, but I'm not at all tempted to try to find something to "cheat" with.
Why is that? I think I'm finally getting my groove back. The person who is committed to making the best possible choices and doesn't agonize over it until a binge results. The person who is not controlled by cravings—two weeks after the last treat—and not demoralized by guilt caused by poor decisions. The person who is not afraid of a little hunger now and then.
Wow. WOW! Truly something to celebrate. I don't think I've been here for many, many months. And it's not something I want to ever give up again.
This coming week will be challenge, but I know I can manage. I will be away from home and not able to cook my own food. And the past has shown me that being in this type of situation makes me more anxious and more vulnerable to emotional eating. There are times when you just can't find the right kind of food and you have to make choices. . . the lesser of two evils. I will take some food with me, but without a fridge or a coffeemaker available, I won't be able to stay 100% on plan.
And exercise will be a challenge too. I don't know if there is a fitness center near the dorm where we will be staying or if it's practical or safe to get up early in the morning to walk around. I will take my Pilates circle with me so I can do my 20-minute routine in the room. And maybe just walk around during breaks.
But I do know that I will take my card (listing the reasons why I want to lose weight) with me and read it over frequently and really make an effort to BE the person I want to be at all times.
Weight loss may not be in the cards this week. Indeed, it's not that important to me right now either, especially since the scale is broken :-(. I just want to maintain this feeling of being in control of myself. There's nothing else like it!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Flapping my wings
I was just reading in A New Earth how two ducks who get into a fight afterwards fly off in opposite directions, flap their wings vigorously (as if shaking off the surplus energy from the fight) and then float on peacefully as if nothing had ever happened.
And also about how many of us carry the past around with us every day, even though there is nothing we can do to change it. Those memories of the past become part of us and make us unable to function in the present. The story of my life!
I underlined these words: "Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?"
If I ate too much yesterday, that does not mean I have to let it make me feel discouraged about it today and make more such mistakes. I can flap my wings vigorously—and hey, maybe it will have a good effect on my flabby arms as well—and let it go.
Because it is becoming very clear to me that I have spent most of my life living in the past through guilt—especially when it comes to food—and also dreaming that maybe sometime in the future—when the weekend/vacation/retirement comes—things will be better and I will truly be happy and healthy. . . and thin, of course.
But tomorrow never comes, and even at its best, today is never good enough.
I look forward to reading more in this book, such as how to break habits that have become ingrained in my psyche. But I have found this is a book to take in small doses, every day, and give myself some time to mull it over before moving on.
And also about how many of us carry the past around with us every day, even though there is nothing we can do to change it. Those memories of the past become part of us and make us unable to function in the present. The story of my life!
I underlined these words: "Nothing ever happened in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now, what power does it have?"
If I ate too much yesterday, that does not mean I have to let it make me feel discouraged about it today and make more such mistakes. I can flap my wings vigorously—and hey, maybe it will have a good effect on my flabby arms as well—and let it go.
Because it is becoming very clear to me that I have spent most of my life living in the past through guilt—especially when it comes to food—and also dreaming that maybe sometime in the future—when the weekend/vacation/retirement comes—things will be better and I will truly be happy and healthy. . . and thin, of course.
But tomorrow never comes, and even at its best, today is never good enough.
I look forward to reading more in this book, such as how to break habits that have become ingrained in my psyche. But I have found this is a book to take in small doses, every day, and give myself some time to mull it over before moving on.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Recognizing self-sabotage
It feels like I am constantly learning the same lessons over and over. I know I have written about this before, but I guess it hasn't sunk in deep enough. Or I am just really good at self-deception.
For some reason, I keep thinking I can allow myself to have a treat now and then—like a Dove ice cream—without jeopardizing my progress. I exercise a lot, and if I've had a couple of good days food-wise, I start thinking I've "earned" a treat. Of course, I conveniently forget that I do have some non-Core food every day, such as my café français and sometimes a little light butter and/or a packet or two of sugar.
But after I had a Dove ice cream on Saturday, I let it throw me off-track for the entire day. I made a Core pizza and ate the whole thing. (It wasn't all that good. . . I figured it would be worse leftover and I didn't want to throw it out.) Then I felt even more guilty and made some peanut butter toast.
I thought I'd get back on track on Sunday, but I felt even worse. I felt like a fat slob and didn't exercise at all. None of my Core foods looked appetizing, and I spent the day pretty much feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't have more "forbidden" foods.
Monday was better, but not great. Then Tuesday I had a retirement seminar to go to and lazed around in the morning and got NO exercise at all. Food-wise, I did fine, but Wednesday I made sure to get in both exercise routines and was definitely back on track with my eating. I even made a salad (after being off salads for the past 15 months or so) and really enjoyed it!
So thankfully, I am back on track and feeling much more in control of myself again, but I definitely want to remember this experience.
One "treat" threw me off for 3-4 days!
It’s one thing to eat a little off-Core away from home (sometimes there is no alternative), but to actually sabotage myself when I am home and not exposed to constant temptation. . . that’s just ridiculous.
For some reason, I keep thinking I can allow myself to have a treat now and then—like a Dove ice cream—without jeopardizing my progress. I exercise a lot, and if I've had a couple of good days food-wise, I start thinking I've "earned" a treat. Of course, I conveniently forget that I do have some non-Core food every day, such as my café français and sometimes a little light butter and/or a packet or two of sugar.
But after I had a Dove ice cream on Saturday, I let it throw me off-track for the entire day. I made a Core pizza and ate the whole thing. (It wasn't all that good. . . I figured it would be worse leftover and I didn't want to throw it out.) Then I felt even more guilty and made some peanut butter toast.
I thought I'd get back on track on Sunday, but I felt even worse. I felt like a fat slob and didn't exercise at all. None of my Core foods looked appetizing, and I spent the day pretty much feeling sorry for myself because I couldn't have more "forbidden" foods.
Monday was better, but not great. Then Tuesday I had a retirement seminar to go to and lazed around in the morning and got NO exercise at all. Food-wise, I did fine, but Wednesday I made sure to get in both exercise routines and was definitely back on track with my eating. I even made a salad (after being off salads for the past 15 months or so) and really enjoyed it!
So thankfully, I am back on track and feeling much more in control of myself again, but I definitely want to remember this experience.
One "treat" threw me off for 3-4 days!
It’s one thing to eat a little off-Core away from home (sometimes there is no alternative), but to actually sabotage myself when I am home and not exposed to constant temptation. . . that’s just ridiculous.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Portion Sizes and Eating to Live
My friend was telling me that the stomach is only about the size of a fist, and that it can handle about double that amount of food. But if you eat more than that, the excess gets stored as fat. So she makes sure she eats about two fists worth of food at a meal, and usually has about 4 meals a day, ever four hours.
Since I have known for a long time that portion size is a big part of my problem, I decided to start doing something similar. For dinner tonight, it meant that I couldn't eat half of what I cooked, because it turned out to be a four fistfuls of food. Oh well, I can have the leftovers some other time. Even though it didn't look like a lot of food, I am surprisingly satisfied and not at all tempted to eat the rest.
I mean, it sounds kind of disgusting to eat so much more than your stomach can handle. I have to admit I never thought about that before when I was doing my human garbage disposal routine. In any case, the effects of overeating are unpleasant too. Even if I don't have digestive issues, eating too much always makes me sleepy.
Her theory is that if you are eating the way you should be eating, you won't be tempted to eat for emotional reasons or be plagued with moodiness. I'm a little skeptical about that—I think moods are caused by more than food issues—but I think eating right can certainly reduce the moodiness and make you less likely to eat for "self-medication."
I will say that I am proud of her for keeping to her food plan and exercising every day. She has lost six pounds in the last two weeks. I remember well how good it felt to see that number on the scale go down and to feel one's clothes getting bigger and—after about 30 pounds or so—to hear so many compliments from my colleagues.
I think one thing that makes it harder when you get to goal weight—or an extended plateau, in my case—and you don't have that reward of the number on the scale anymore, or the clothes or the compliments. Somehow you have to find your reward somewhere else, like feeling in control of your life and body, etc.
I WILL see that scale go down, though! I know I need to get down at least 30 more pounds, and if I pay more attention to my body's needs instead of looking at eating as entertainment or medication, I know I can do it.
Since I have known for a long time that portion size is a big part of my problem, I decided to start doing something similar. For dinner tonight, it meant that I couldn't eat half of what I cooked, because it turned out to be a four fistfuls of food. Oh well, I can have the leftovers some other time. Even though it didn't look like a lot of food, I am surprisingly satisfied and not at all tempted to eat the rest.
I mean, it sounds kind of disgusting to eat so much more than your stomach can handle. I have to admit I never thought about that before when I was doing my human garbage disposal routine. In any case, the effects of overeating are unpleasant too. Even if I don't have digestive issues, eating too much always makes me sleepy.
Her theory is that if you are eating the way you should be eating, you won't be tempted to eat for emotional reasons or be plagued with moodiness. I'm a little skeptical about that—I think moods are caused by more than food issues—but I think eating right can certainly reduce the moodiness and make you less likely to eat for "self-medication."
I will say that I am proud of her for keeping to her food plan and exercising every day. She has lost six pounds in the last two weeks. I remember well how good it felt to see that number on the scale go down and to feel one's clothes getting bigger and—after about 30 pounds or so—to hear so many compliments from my colleagues.
I think one thing that makes it harder when you get to goal weight—or an extended plateau, in my case—and you don't have that reward of the number on the scale anymore, or the clothes or the compliments. Somehow you have to find your reward somewhere else, like feeling in control of your life and body, etc.
I WILL see that scale go down, though! I know I need to get down at least 30 more pounds, and if I pay more attention to my body's needs instead of looking at eating as entertainment or medication, I know I can do it.
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