Taking Control of My Life Again

For many years, my basement office has been a scary place.

When I first moved here, it was a place of refuge. I would come downstairs early in the morning and have my quiet time before facing the hustle and bustle of school activities.

I'm not sure exactly when that changed. I know that it became more and more difficult to face as the clutter increased. Piles and piles of papers I didn't want to throw away because "someday I might need those things." The problem is that when you have so many piles of things all over the place, you really can't find that one piece of paper or book when you need it anyway.

Every now and then I would get ambitious and start to clear out a pile of stuff, and at least it made me feel better. But soon I would have 2-3 other piles to replace it, and it seemed impossible to ever get caught up. I have always hated filing, and for years, I would just put everything in one file folder and end up with a massive filing task right before tax time. Which is no doubt why I was often doing my tax return the week before April 15!

I have saved about 13 years of conference programs and handouts, most of which I have never used, because the materials are way too advanced for the kind of exploratory course that I teach. But there was always a chance that one day I might be called upon to teach a "real" language course, and perhaps that handout would come in handy. I just couldn't get myself to throw anything out.

Then I became friends with Ellen Shrager, who offered to become my "de-clutter" mentor. (She teaches first-year Spanish to seventh graders, so she, too, finds herself unable to use a lot of conference materials.) She told me to look at the materials as relics of unfulfilled dreams. We all have dreams of what we would like to do someday, and it's not possible to realize all of them. As we get older, we have to let go of some of them in order to concentrate on the things it IS still possible to do. . . and do so without allowing the feelings of regret to take over and control our lives.

Letting go of some things is extremely painful, but it's amazing how powerful it makes you feel afterwards. I have been gradually taking piles or corners or boxes of things in the basement office and making decisions about what to do with the stuff. Much of it goes in the trash, which is why I've been filling up a lot of trash cans lately. Some of the stuff—mostly books—I am selling on ebay. And some things I don't think will sell or don't want to bother selling I drop off at the Goodwill store.

I even sent some Spanish books to another Spanish teacher for the cost of shipping. THAT was painful, because I had spent hundreds of dollars on them in Spain and had planned to read all of them for my MA in Spanish literature, but I never finished them all and realize I will never do so now. It took me several days to get up the courage to do it. But it's amazing how wonderfully free it feels to have them gone at last. . . as though that part of my life is now concluded and I can look forward to the future.

For years, I avoided this job because it seemed so overwhelming and I dreaded having to make decisions about what to keep and throw away. Even after school ended earlier this month, I procrastinated. But I decided I really wanted to make this room once again a place of refuge where I can work quietly and peacefully and not be intimidated by the burden of the clutter.

So I started working for 15 minutes at a time, taking one task. Sometimes the task took longer than 15 minutes, but I kept going until it was finished. It started with going through one file drawer, which was relatively simple. The next file drawer involved shredding old tax records, which took considerably longer. At first my efforts didn't seem to be much compared to the enormity of the task, but gradually, I started feeling optimistic. Each difficult decision, each trip to the trash can, each completed task. . . finally began to make a difference in the general ambiance of the room.

There is still a long way to go. More difficult decisions. More trips to the trash can. And a whole lot of cleaning. . . the dust balls and cat debris (the cat passed away in April) are horrendous. But the fact that I can SEE the dirt is actually a positive thing. . . it was completely covered with junk a few weeks ago!

I have every confidence that someday soon—definitely before school starts in August—my basement office will be a place of refuge again. A place where I can work in peace without the constant awareness of chaos and filth.

And more importantly, I will feel in control of my life again.

What is my body telling me?

I've been telling myself for two years now that it's okay that I'm not losing weight anymore because of this reason and that, and that eventually I will get back to the process of losing the final 40 pounds or so. The scale doesn't run my life, and at least I am more or less maintaining the 90-pound weight loss.

But as I've been mulling over the past three years of my Core journey, it occurred to me that the primary reason the weight loss stopped was because I haven't been paying attention to my body's signals. Not the way I need to, at least.

It was easy to lose weight when I weighed 280 pounds. All I had to do was quit eating junk food and start exercising, and the weight came off pretty consistently. I could overeat Core foods on a regular basis and still lose weight.

That stopped when I got down to about 220 pounds. I thought it was the gall bladder surgery. Then I realized it was portion control (yes, I had figured this out two years ago), and started working on that. And I lost some more weight, and then stopped again. And then just quit worrying about it, since there were so many other distractions in my life.

I used to be able to say no to the junk food in the staff lounge too, without a lot of agony. These days I can't say no to anything and I'm bingeing on a regular basis and I wonder what has changed. Yes, I'm addicted to sugar and white flour again, and detoxing is a difficult process. But it recently occurred to me that the reason I had more self-control back then was because I always had the reward of the weekly weigh-in to look forward to. Now that my weight is stuck, I have nothing to look forward to and having the treats at least makes me feel better temporarily.

Where am I going with this? Well, I don't have any answers yet. I do think my friend Ellen has a valid point (she is doing a plan called Radiant Recovery). She says that if our bodies are properly balanced nutritionally, we don't have the cravings and the emotional eating issues. The challenge is to find out what foods to eat—and when—to keep our bodies in balance.

I'm not going to abandon Core—I am on Core for the rest of my life—but maybe it would be better to have protein (maybe a boiled egg) with my oatmeal/fruit breakfast and to combine the carbs with a small amount of protein throughout the day. It's definitely worth trying.

Because yesterday I made a great lunch with a chicken and plum recipe with veggies, and I was still hungry afterwards, so I made popcorn. I think it would have been better to have a potato with it.

The main thing is to be more cognizant of what is going on with my body and be determined to sense the body's signals that it is satisfied. . . and have the willpower to put the food down as soon as I sense them.

Facing the Consequences

Today I’m feeling the need to document the negative after-effects of my over-indulgence in ice cream two days ago.

The damage on the scale is the least thing on my mind. I know that my normal exercise can minimize the damage there.

However, I need to write this down so that the next time I am tempted to binge on junk food (or anything, for that matter), I can recall how awful it made me feel after the first 15 minutes or so.

• My normal healthy foods look very unappealing and unsatisfying, especially veggies. I can manage meat and potatoes and even my breakfast oatmeal and fruit, but it takes me a couple of meals to be able to face veggies, even the ones I normally enjoy.

• I feel worthless and guilty and just plain stupid for being such a glutton.

• I am more and more fearful of losing my control and little by little gaining back the weight I have lost and with it all the problems (health and other) I thought I had put behind me.

• I feel tired and depressed and not able to get out of my chair to do anything but read and watch TV.

• I don’t feel like exercising at all.

• I feel so overwhelmed by all the things I have to do and the difficult decisions that need to be made—especially in regard to the junk in the basement I have to clear out—that I spend more time sitting and fretting about it than actually getting around to doing it.

You know, it’s just not worth it. I have to learn to be satisfied with a healthy lifestyle. That may mean occasional indulgences, but it doesn’t mean regular binges or frequent treats.

I have to find some other way to deal with the emotional issues.

My Exercise Ephiphany

Walking on the treadmill is my exercise of choice since starting Core three years ago. I had an old one that had barely been used, and after cleaning it off, I started walking. I really didn't know much about walking or heart rates or anything like that. I just got on and walked about 15 minutes. It wasn't that easy, at first. I weighed almost 280 pounds and I got tired very quickly. But I kept going and kept increasing the time and speed about five minutes a week until I was walking for almost an hour a day at speeds around 2 miles per hour.

Since it was summer, I was also busy outside in the garden, so I got a lot of exercise that summer. . . sometimes too much. I finally decided to cut down on the treadmill on days when I was working a lot outside. Because doing too much would make me too tired to get anything else done the entire day.

I guess I became a cardio junkie. I knew from the diabetes classes that strength training and stretching were essential to good health, but I preferred to depend on mindless walking in front of the TV set. It burned off more calories and I earned more Activity Points and it just made me feel energized for the day. Strength training was often painful, required more conscientious thought, and was practically useless as far as earning Activity Points is concerned.

I tried to do some strength training occasionally—an exercise ball, hand weights, an ab-thigh machine—but the only thing I could manage to do regularly was the treadmill. The other things fell by the wayside whenever I was too busy.

The cardio paid off though, when I had a stress EKO test prior to my gall bladder surgery in 2006. The anesthesiologist told me that I had the "highest" level cardio rating! I was really pumped after that. I had to stay off the treadmill for about six days after the surgery, but I was on it right after that and haven't stopped since.

This spring, however, I read something online that really convicted me about the strength training issue. I decided that I was a cardio junkie and that I should cut down on cardio and to try to get in more strength training. Since you're only supposed to do strength training every other day, I decided to alternate cardio and strength training. And I started with a beginner's Pilates DVD that took about 25 minutes.

I couldn't do much of it at first. I was amazed at how out of shape I was, even after losing nearly 90 lbs. and exercising almost daily. But soon I was doing nearly everything and feeling pretty good about my progress.

The problem is: I had cut down significantly on the treadmill too, and found myself gaining weight. So a few weeks ago, I bumped up the treadmill and decided to do a 50% treadmill routine even on strength training days, since the Pilates routine was so much shorter than the treadmill. I also moved up to the Intermediate Pilates routine, which uses a circle to work more muscles in a short time.

Since school ended, I have bumped up my treadmill to 3 miles a day, and on alternate days when I do the Pilates routine, 1.5 miles a day. I try to get it done in the morning before 8 a.m., because I have found the later I wait to do it, the more likely that it will not get done at all.

Another issue I've had to deal with lately is the incline. I have been putting the incline up to 8 or 9%, but I find I have to hold on to the bar most of the time in order to do that, and it was causing callouses on my hands. So for the past couple of days, I have been walking at a 1% incline and keeping my hands off the bar. I don't really need a pulse readout anymore. In any case, the treadmill heart rate sensor is WAY off compared to my heart rate monitor watch. And I don't really keep track of heart rate much anymore. I just want to keep challenging myself. . . the numbers are meaningless.

But it is a fact that moving my arms while walking burns off as many calories as walking up a steep incline. I may up the incline a bit occasionally, but not enough to make walking uncomfortable.

My weight loss journey has gone up and down over the past three years, but I am convinced that a big reason why I have not gained back the weight is because I have NEVER given up the exercise habit. No matter how "off" I am food-wise, I still got on that treadmill every day and it has kept me going even in the toughest times.

Taking Charge of My Health

I mentioned in my post yesterday that I have been having tingling and numbness in my hands and feet. And that I discovered that this can be symptomatic of several illnesses, including full-blown diabetes and multiple sclerosis.

This really blew my mind. And made me face up to the fact that I can no longer afford to play around with my health. It really is a life/death situation.

Then last night it occurred to me that the problems seemed to start about the same time I started taking niacin, at my doctor's recommendation, to raise my HDL cholesterol, which is slightly lower than it should be.

That's when I discovered that tingling and numbness in the extremities can be a side effect of niacin! Not only that, but blurring vision (I had just made an appointment with the eye doctor that same day!), and racing heartbeat (had noticed a minor episode last week).

So. . . I am discontinuing the niacin in the hope that these symptoms will go away. If not, it's back to the doctor and I will just have to face the music.

But this incident has served me very effectively as a huge wake-up call. From now on, eating junk "just because I can" is not going to be tolerated. The purpose of eating is to provide nutrients for the body and not for entertainment or self-medication.

I will just have to deal with emotional issues another way.

Facing Reality—One More Time

My three-year Core anniversary comes up on June 15, and I find myself looking up from the bottom of the barrel. . . again!

For some reason, every time I start feeling as though I have pretty much solved my eating issues, I find out that I am still vulnerable to the old lies. . . that food will make me feel better, that I can indulge myself just this once without jeopardizing all of the progress I have made.

I had a super day yesterday, both food- and exercise-wise, but I also was absolutely terrified that my recent sloppiness may have endangered my health. I had to come to terms with the fact that every time I make a risky decision, I make it more likely that I get some dreadful disease and spend the rest of my days in a nursing home instead of traveling and doing some of the exciting things I've never had time for before.

Is the doughnut really worth the risk???

I've had some weird symptoms lately, primarily tingling and numbness in the hands and feet. Yesterday I googled the symptoms and was dismayed to find that this is symptomatic of diabetes (I am diagnosed pre-diabetic and NOT looking forward to getting the full-blown version), carpal tunnel syndrome, and even—gulp—multiple sclerosis!

When you get to my age—52—you do start wondering how long it will be before you get some dreaded disease. The days of feeling invulnerable are long gone. It was a huge wake-up call. Time to get my act together and start behaving like a responsible adult instead of the spoiled child who wants what she wants when she wants it and doesn't care about the consequences.

The thing is. . . I have faced this situation over and over again in the past three years. Just look at my health web site! I have been told often that my web site helped others come to terms with themselves. . . I guess I need to read it myself on a regular basis!

I am hoping that blogging on a regular basis will help keep me accountable, so I created this account. If it helps someone else as well, so much the better.